Tag Archives: elderly

One more…

I’ve got another one to add to the list of things that mean you are an old man.

When you are driving around and you see a really nice house and everyone in the car says “oooo aaah look at that house.” And everyone is duly impressed with the architecture and the square footage and the lawn and the small mexican children pulling weeds.

Then the old man in the car says “Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to pay the property taxes on THAT.”

It’s never too early to start practicing…

…for being an old man. That’s what I think. I don’t know how much of this will apply to the ladies, so ladies, just make notes so you can point and laugh at your man when he starts exhibiting old man traits.

At what point does one become a (crotchety) old man? I think it is a process, but there are signposts all along the journey. Be on the lookout for these siguls:

Dress socks and shoes with shorts I’ve seen this several times lately, at the mall and the Wal*Marts, for example. Sometimes it looks like they’re wearing their socks and shoes with naught else but a thin, white undershirt and a pair of pee-stained boxers. Really! I did a double-take at one elderly gent the other day. It looked like he started to change clothes after church and then thought better of it. I guess when you’ve got possibly days or minutes left to live, you can’t be taking precious time to completely change clothes; just strip off the suit and leave the socks and shoes, then go re-stock up on Metamucil at the store. Personally, I haven’t been guilty of this one yet.

No one, I mean no one, wants to go into the bathroom after you The bowel movement, for an old-timer, is a sacred time not to trifled with. A time when he can escape from the entrapments of the La-Z-Boy and TV and really concentrate on life and the crossword puzzle. And man, he can stank. it. up. I’ve totally got this one down. One day, after eating Taco Bell for lunch, I went into a building on campus to spend a few quiet moments alone. And alone I was for several minutes until some poor unsuspecting soul heeded nature’s call to the bathroom, opened the door and inhaled. I could hear footsteps outside in the hallway, the door opened and I heard his shoes slide to halt. There was a slight, just-long-enough-for-the-eyes-to-bulge-and-the-mind-to-boggle pause and then a sharp and significant Damn! and him hurrying back the way he had come, looking for another bathroom.

It’s Wal*Marts instead of Wal*Mart I don’t get this one, but I hear it from the gray-haired generation quite a bit. Make Wal*Mart or K-Mart or even Target plural and you’ve got it. This one is easy to spot so feel free to point and laugh at your friends as they show their age in this regard.

TiVos game shows Do you have a season pass for The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune? Uh huh, might as well start pulling those pants up a little bit higher and trade in that sports car for the 30 foot town car. My grandpa watches The Price is Right religiously and he has the 28 foot Cadillac in the garage but that’s ok because he’s over 80. (I happen to like The Price is Right because of him.) I am guilty of this one, we TiVo Jeopardy!.

Has developed a special, selective blindness to ear and nose hair He just doesn’t see it. Maybe these furry geezers don’t own mirrors. I mean come on! Don’t you think they’re curious about that little fuzzy tickle they sometimes get in their ear? I guess at some point they stopped caring and therefore stopped seeing it; I don’t know. Because of the nature of this one, it might be a good idea to ask someone you trust if you have this old man symptom since you obviously can’t see it for yourself.

Alright nobody wanted to share anything from their life list so how ’bout sharing some signs you’ve seen that means old age might be creeping up on you.

And yes, that is a real AARP card. My AARP card. They sent it to me when I was still in college. I’ve never gotten to enjoy the discounts, though I have tried; nobody seems to believe that I’m a member. Can’t I just look really good for an old man? Gosh!