Monthly Archives: May 2005

Whose the only one here that knows illegal ninja moves from the government?

Me, baby, me.

Well, I’ve had the most interesting day. It was over before it began really. Last night we watched some TV and farted around awhile, then we adjourned to the bedroom for some before-bed-time-reading. About 1:30am (now Sunday morning) I’m like “Ok, we need to go to bed.” She says, “Ok.” *switch off light* we say our goodnight ritual *kiss* *kiss* *snore* *snore* right?

No. Apparently we lay there, both awake for eternity. It’s like this:

1:30 – (am) Lights out
1:45 – We’re still yammering to each other somewhat
2:15 – “I’m still awake, are you?” “Uh huh.”
2:30 – “I read that two shots of whiskey will put you to sleep.” “Ok.” “Except that we don’t have whiskey, but I think we have rum.” “Ok.”
2:31 – *gulp* *burn* *gulp* *burn-and-screw-up-face-like-you-smell-something-really-bad*
2:32 – “Ok, then, my tummy’s all warm, maybe now we’ll sleep.”
3:00 – yammer yammer at each other “I’ve gotta pee.”
3:30 – Still yammering “I’ve gotta pee, again.”
3:45 – “Ok, let’s go to sleep.” “I’ve gotta..” “Dang, woman!”
4:00 – (to self) “Alright, if I’m not alseep by 4:30, forget it, I’m getting up.”
4:17 – “Forget it, I’m getting up.”
4:20 – “Hey, I’m gonna make one of those ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirts from the iron-on letters we have except it’ll say ‘Me’ instead of ‘Pedro’.
4:30 – After doing interweb research, I see the letters should be red instead of blue, which is the color I have.
4:35 – Drive to Wal*Mart.
5:00 – Return home.
5:20 – Eat grill cheese sammich and marvel at my new awesome shirt.
5:30 – Decide we want Shoney’s breakfast bar.
5:45 – Drive one hour to Tupelo since Starkville Shoney’s closed down some years ago due to Mafia activites.
7:00 – Eat of the bountiful harvest at the Gloster street Shoney’s Breakfast Bar.
7:45 – Drive 15 minutes to mother-in-law’s for sleep.
8:00 – After settling on the couch for 5 minutes, decide to drive back to Starkville to sleep in our own bed.
9:00 – CRASH
3:00 – (pm) Wake up.
3:30 – Go to Hardee’s for Thickburgers

I’m gonna break the whole timeline motif now to expand on our Hardee’s experience. If you live in Starkville or have spent any time in Starkville, maybe you’ve run into The Reverend.

The Reverend is known by his ever-present earphones either on his ears or around his neck. A trail of amens and hallelujahs follow him through the isles of Wal*Mart. You can spot him in his glory-mobile because it is adorned with American flags on all four windows and copious amounts of religious stickers on the back glass and bumper.

I first saw The Reverend in Wal*Mart some months ago. He had his earphones on and was singing Amazing Grace (how sweet the sound). As we passed him pushing his shopping cart, he gave us an “amen, hallelujah.” I’ve seen him a couple of other times around town but never really had an opportunity to introduce myself.

So we walk into Hardee’s and as we enter the lobby, are greeted with a “forever and amen.” The Reverend is sitting at a table with his earphones on and is decked out in his Sunday finest. I, of course, nod and return his amen.

As we are waiting on our food, The Reverend continues his random exultations. He follows everything he says with an “amen?” Apparently he was listening to the Bulldogs baseball game. “Home run, amen?” “Four to nothing, amen?” “Go Bulldogs, amen?” I’m serious.

Later we’re just munching on our ThickBurgers and he gets up, throws something away and gets some more coffee. “Garbage bag, amen?” Where’s the creamer, amen?” He talks to the Hardee’s employees, “You eating some chocolate ice cream, amen?” He’s very friendly, amen?

At some point, I decide to go over and introduce myself. I finish chewing and walk over. “Brother, my name is Kary. I don’t believe I’ve met you before.” He says he’s The Reverend, known on Star 107.1 out of Macon (amen?). I’m like, well that’s pretty interesting. I get M. to snap a picture of us (sweet!) and he tells me to put it in a church frame from Wal*Mart and put it in my house. I’m gonna look for a church frame next time I’m at wally world.

I go back to my table and resume getting fat, er, eating my ThickBurger. The Reverend continues his proclamations. “Starkville, amen?” “Louisville, amen?” “American flag, amen?” Then he comes over and gives me some church napkins. “Here’s some church napkins for you nice folks, amen?” I guess church napkins come from the same place as church picture frames, namely Wal*Mart. I get up for more ketchup, he turns and says, “ketchup, amen?” I am not making this up. When we get up to leave, I go for a refill. You know what’s coming, say it with The Reverend. “Refill, amen?”

The Reverend is actually a really nice guy and I’m not poking fun. I encourage everyone to check him out on Star 107.1, The Reverend Billy Sherman. I know I will.

If you see The Reverend around town with his earphones on giving praise for everything he sees, give him an “amen?” for me.

the rev and me

Bailing to Bucket

Hey yo,

I’ve met some interesting people in my day let me tell you. Really, let me tell you. One guy I recently met, his name is Bucket. I reckon that probably ain’t his real name but he says that’s the only name he knows to answer to.

Anyway, I’m trying to get Bucket computer access so he can be a guest writer for Inside Mr. KaryHead. It’ll be sweet, so be on the lookout from a post from Bucket this week.


Awesome Lessons

So I’ve decided to give awesome lessons. The thought occurred to me one day at work when I decided my co-worker G. needed lessons. I mean, just look at that un-awesome website. What is awesome? What does it mean, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

  1. Inspiring awe: an awesome thunderstorm.
  2. Expressing awe: stood in awesome silence before the ancient ruins.
  3. Slang. Remarkable; outstanding: “a totally awesome arcade game” (Los Angeles Times).

In layman’s terms, awesome is pretty much everything I do. Right, just hang out with me to learn what awesome really is, and it’s very affordable. One half hour lesson is only $19.95 plus tax. One hour lessons are $34.95 plus tax. You will learn more about awesome in 30 or 60 minutes with me than you would watching days of Burt Reynolds movies.

Why am I awesome? What makes me qualified to give lessons? It boils down to the Cosmic Shame, really. I was born with it. And for those unfortunate souls who weren’t, I can help you. Heck, check this out:

  • I designed and built the Statue of Liberty in three days.
  • I have the widest vocal range of any known creature, coming in at 53 octaves.
  • I have been known to eat an entire 5-gallon bucket of oatmeal, dry.
  • I cleaned up the Valdez oil spill with three sponges and an old pair of underwear.
  • Once, I rode a badger bare-back non-stop from Seattle, Washington to Mexico City. Yeah, in Mexico.
  • I beat Ken Jennings in an untelevised Jeopardy! challenge at the Fugly Bar and Grill in Salt Lake City, Utah. Trebek was there.
  • Need I continue?

When you need awesomeness and no one else can help, if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A(wesome) Team (which is really just me).

New Lotion Scent: Cat Covered Bag-Lady

Most women are Bath and Body Works (BaBW) fans, I think. Once, I was able to sneak a quick look at the Womanhood contract and I think I saw a BaBW clause in there. To me, the scent names are just a little off putting. My wife has something like Coconut Lime Verbena Eggplant. Ok, maybe not the eggplant part, but still. How about Rice Flower and Shea? What exactly is a rice flower and who is Shea? I like to eat rice but do I want to smell it every time I get close to a woman? And do I want my woman to even smell like this Shea person? Maybe Shea doesn’t adhere to the same hygiene standards that I’ve grown accustomed to from my lady. Shea might be this old bag lady who lives in a dark alley and all the other bums call her “Stinky Momma” and all the alley cats are her “children.” *shiver*

Anyway, why not scents for men? My skin gets dry sometimes. While my wife is at BaBW buying her monthly 20 pound supply of moisturizer, she could pick me up some Burning Pine and Hay. You know, something that is manly, but smells nice too. Or maybe I could try the new Sun Dried Leather. While she’s checking out the Sweet Pea, get me some Sweet Tea. I hear the RC Cola and Peanuts is nice also. I could stock up on Wet Grass Tabasco for summer.

Ah well, I guess for now I’ll just keep stealing her Warm Vanilla Splenda, er, I mean Sugar.

Dang! My tinfoil hat’s on back order

Do you ever worry that people can read your mind? I do. Most of the time it’s nothing to worry about, but sometimes man, if someone could read my mind they might punch me in the neck.

Think about it; how many times have you seen someone and thought something along the lines of “how does she keep the birds from nesting in that hair?” ” or “he looks like he fell asleep in a kitty litter box.” Yeah, you’d feel real bad if they could read your mind, I know I would.

What about private or sensitive information? When you type a password or a PIN number do you say it in your head as you type it? I thought so, me too. I’m so paranoid about it, I concentrate real hard to think a different number in my head than what I’m actually inputting. Like at the gym, when I open my locker, I will think a different number in my head than what my locker combination actually is just in case someone is eavesdropping in my noggin. I wouldn’t want anyone to steal my shower flip-flops now would I? That’s pretty awesome, I know, not everyone can do it, it takes a supreme amount of concentration and mental fortitude.

So remember the next time you see someone really goofy looking or you are at the ATM, someone might be listening.

It’s 6am on Saturday morning, do you know where your kids are?

Growing up I found it difficult, to say the least, to get out of bed and get ready for school. All that went out the window on Saturday morning. Most times I was up at 6:00 ready for cartoons to start. Sometimes I’d be up before the broadcast day had begun (we didn’t have cable) waiting for the little bit with the flying eagle and music and whatnot signaling the start of the Television entertainment for that day.

I’m not very good at remembering stuff I watched on TV 15 or 20 years ago. But here’s what I remember watching over the years: Smurfs, The Gummy Bears, Alvin and the Chimpmunks, Punky Brewster (Glomer!), Muppet Babies, Dungeons and Dragons, Looney Tunes, Ewoks, Super Friends, Ghostbusters, Alf, Garfield and Friends, Camp Candy, Super Mario Bros, X-Men and The Tick. Ok, I didn’t really remember all of those, I had some help. I watched these cartoons throughout the 80’s and 90’s on Saturday mornings. Good times.

In the afternoon after school I’d watch on Fox (over the years the lineup would change): G.I. Joe, Ducktales, Thundercats, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tailspin, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs and Darkwing Duck. Also good times.

Toward the end of my Saturday morning cartoon watching years Saved by the Bell and other “live action” shows started taking the timeslots of my beloved cartoons. Also, the Smurfs got kinda weird with the time crystal storyline or whatever it was and I stopped watching it. Before long it was getting harder and harder to find cartoons on Saturday morning on the Networks. Like I said, we didn’t have cable so no Cartoon Network or anything else.

It’s a bit sad that the Saturday Morning Cartoons are no more. It was a good time to be a kid. What do kids do nowadays on Saturday morning? I don’t know. I suppse there are other channels that show cartoons on Saturday morning. But it’s not the same, from 6:00 to 12:00 it was all cartoons on all the channels I received. The commercials were geared for kids with cool ones like Star Wars toys (I still remember the B-Wing commercial). One morning a week, the networks aired programs for kids and it was special.

What’s Inside?

A creamy filling. Delicious. I’m not allowed to share, I’m terribly sorry. I will share other things quite possibly. Mainly because my life is thrilling and everyone is always asking me about what’s going on. I’ve got to go now. That is all.