Monthly Archives: June 2005

Random Things for Today

I received my first ever unsolicited text message on my cell today. It was someone inquiring about the possibility of giving me oral sex. I declined but in a courteous way.

I got my first ever mini-frisbee-golf hole-in-one today. It was sweet.

I learned that cloning a system is best not to do when the system you are cloning is running. Seems obvious in hindsight. Man, the fsck on the new system was horrific. ssh+dd is cool.

A coworker had a small cardboard box at work today. He said if any of us could guess what was in the box, we could have it. After several minutes of us guessing, I finally hit upon it. I am now the proud owner of a hat.

I found that I’m quoted on the SANS website by Stephen Northcutt. Awesome. Too bad most people will think MSU is Michigan State Univ instead of Mississippi State Univ.

So all in all, a red letter day.

I’ll close with a story. This happened a few months ago.

Some buddies and I were traveling to Mobile, AL for a disc golf tournament and we were to meet up with another friend in Meridian on the way. While we were waiting for him, I ran inside a convenience store for a drink.

Now, you need to know that I have curly hair. Really curly hair.

As I was checking out, the black lady behind the counter said Oooooweeee, you got some curly hair. I said Yes ma’am. Is it real or you got a perm? It’s real, I inherited it from my dad. She looked my mini-fro over again and asked You got some of us in you dontcha? I replied I reckon I do. She turned to her friend He said he reckons he does. Laughter ensued.

When Sharks Attack

So you’ve probably heard about the recent shark attacks in Florida. It’s pretty scary. I just can’t imagine being out in the water and then some big fish happens by and decides that you look tasty and takes your leg off. It would be terrifying and painful. I don’t live anywhere near the gulf, ocean or sea so why am I worried? Answer: I’m taking a beach trip with some old school buddies in a few weeks to Destin, where the first attack happened.

What’s a guy to do? Travel all the way to Florida, rent a condo for an extended weekend and not go to the beach? Heck no! So I’ve come up with some possible solutions to ensure I won’t get my tasty bits gnawed on.

Wear a suit of armor Ok this is the first one out of the gate and I’ll admit, it’s a little weak. Yes, the suit will most likely prevent the removal of your limbs from your body but there are some downsides.

  • It’s heavy so if a wave knocks you over, you could very well drown. End result, you die.
  • It might rust from being in the salty water. No one will want to hang out with you because of how much you squeak.
  • It’s cost prohibitive. Have you seen how much these things go for on eBay? Jeez. Not to mention the shipping costs.
  • The chafing, oh god, the chafing.

Carry a thick stick about a foot in length This isn’t a bad one. You’ve seen this trick before, they do it on the TV all the time, granted in cartoons, but still. You must be alert. When you see the shark approaching, set your legs and body in a strong defensive stance. As the shark opens his or her mouth to chomp on you, wedge the stick in the open orifice. Just watch out for the sharp teeth. Man, that shark will be so pissed! Make sure you get a strong stick or the shark might break it in two and then come after you again. The problem with this one is the difficulty in timing it just right. You might need to practice on one at Sea World first but they may not let you. I’ll look into it.

Attach a handle to a large piece of plexiglass. Think of one of those police riot shields, it’s the same concept. Again, you must be alert, you can’t be caught by a surprise attack. Once again, when you see the shark approaching, take a strong defensive stance. Make sure to get the plexiglass between you and the shark. Hold on tight to the handle and when the shark strikes, shove the Shark Shield in its face. See, he won’t be able to get at you because of the shield. He’ll try and try but he can’t break through. I mean, he can see you right there, Why can’t I get him, the shark’ll wonder. You’ll just laugh and laugh at that stupid shark. Since the Shark Shield is clear plexiglass you can optionally have one of those waterproof disposable cameras for capturing the shark’s frustrating grimaces. Eventually he’ll get tired and leave you alone. Just think of the stories you’ll tell your friends and you’ll have documentation.

Charge up your taser. With nods to Chief Martin Brody. If that danged shark comes after you, let him know he can’t mess with you, cause you’re busy ogling the girls (or boys). It’s simple, with the shark coming at you or if he’s already got a hold on your leg, zap him with your taser. Tasers are portable and you could probably fit it in your fanny pack. The downside is, well, if you’re in the water too, which I guess you would be if you have a shark hanging off your leg, you will get zapped too. I think it’s a small price to pay for keeping all of your appendages.

If these sound too complicated, just poke that shark in the eye. Who in the heck likes a finger in the eye?

If you can think of a better way to ward of the man-eaters, let me know, ’cause I’m going in that water!

Brilliant Idea #16

Attention PleaseOh man, this is pretty sweet. Feel free to use this idea if it will benefit you if any situation that may arise. I don’t know where these ideas come from and I wish I did because I’d totally sell a map of how to get there so that I could finally buy that automatic kitty litter box thing.

How many times have you been at work or at home or wherever and you’re trying to get something done but people keep bothering you? I mean, dang people, can I get 15 uninterrupted minutes, please? Not likely. So here’s my idea: get one of those little silver call bells and require everyone to ring it before they bother you. If they don’t ring it, you ignore them.

Let me say ahead of time, it helps if the sound of the little silver bell doesn’t annoy you too much. But knowing that it annoys the heck out of other people will hopefully give you enough satisfaction to stand it.

After deploying your bell, I reckon there will be two responses from people.

One, people will like ringing it and try to use it to annoy you. The solution to this one is easy: throw the bell at them. They probably won’t bother you ever again.

Two, the sound of the little silver call bell is very annoying to most people so they won’t ring it very often. Also if they have to ring the bell to get your attention they’ll make sure they really need to talk to you before they ring in. This helps prevent off-the-cuff type interruptions.

Here are other possible uses:

Ring it every time someone says something non-stupid. I know, I know, this won’t happen often, but it’s like training a dog. They learn to associate the sound of the bell with doing something good so maybe they’ll say less stupid things over time. Hmmmm. Well, actually if they learn to associate the sound of the bell with something good, they might bother you more often with questions. That’s no good. So instead ring it when they say something stupid. We’ve already established most people don’t like the sound of the bell. Now they’ll learn to not say stupid things or least when you’re around anyway and that’s the important thing.

Ring it every time you go to the bathroom. This one’s mainly for me, I guess. I drink a lot of water, as I have mentioned. I just think it’d be funny to announce every time I’m going to the bathroom by ringing the bell.


I just read over all this and it’s pretty much crap. I really haven’t thought all this through. See, I just think it’s funny to have a “Ring bell for service” sign with a little bell at my desk. And I have the pictures to prove it. So there.

Please feel free to ring in (ba da bum) with some uses that you can think of in the comments.

Duuuude, ring the bell! (Clicken to embiggen)

Must. Run. Faster.

So I got pwn3d today by some teenage girls. Here’s what happened.

I went to the gym this morning to do my cardio workout. I usually do 50 minutes. Today I did 40 minutes because I planned to run around the lake that’s next to the Sanderson Center. It’s probably about a mile or so around. So I’m already soaked with sweat from the elliptical and stairclimber machines inside when I set off for my run outside.

Half way around, I’m starting to feel pretty winded and tired. About three quarters of the way, I’m (barely) running along side the “main” entrance to campus and there’s one of those little things cops put out to show you how fast you’re driving. I think the point is to encourage people to slow down.

Anyway, as I come up to it, there aren’t any cars coming up behind me but it’s registering 8 or 9 mph. I’m like I know I ain’t running that fast; I might be doing 3 mph. And then zoom this little high school looking girl comes flying by me. I’m all Heck naw, she ain’t out running me.

Well she did. By a looong shot. Then like three more girls catch up to me but by then I’d made it all the way around and was quitting.

Now these girls were chatting and stretching outside when I started my run. They probably started when I was already halfway around and they still caught me. Dang.

Now I present to you my totally good and valid excuses as to why I got smoked by some teenyboppers:

  • I had already done 40 minutes of cardio and they hadn’t even broken a sweat yet
  • They are quite a bit younger than me
  • I had to poop. Really, it’s hard to run when you gotta go twosies

It was the first time I actually ran outside in my new shoes. I didn’t strain or pull anything. I’ll write up a review of said shoes in the near future.


This is a story my mom told me not all that long ago. I do believe it is the Funniest Story I Ever Heard That Is True. Nowadays when I do something stupid, I just think of this story, smile and realize I haven’t topped my parents. yet.

The late summer of 1969 was a tough time for Mississippi gulf coast residents. Why? One word: Camille. It was, as some consider, the strongest storm to hit U.S. land, ever. My parents lived on the coast then. In a trailer. With wheels and not augured into the ground as they do present day.

My parents weren’t really feeling up for a hurricane party so they did what a lot of people didn’t do, they fled. They went to my grandmother’s and weathered the storm there.

After the storm had gone on north to dump inches, nay, feet of rain on the yankees, my parents ventured back to the coast to see what, if anything, they had left. As they arrived at their trailer park, they feared the worst; homes had been thrown about like a child who tires of playing with his toys and, of course, doesn’t pick them up afterwards.

Amazingly, my parents trailer was where they left it! Because of the way it was oriented (the other trailers were oriented differently) it somehow had survived the worst storm in U.S. history unscathed.

Overjoyed at their good fortune, they went inside to check things out. The worst thing they found was some water had come in under the back door. Somebody was looking out for them, if you know what I mean. The second worst thing they found was that due to the power having been out for a few days, the meat and whatnots in the refrigerator had spoiled. The smell was gag-inducing and would make you slap-your-momma-across-the-face-with-a-mackerel at best. I won’t mention the worst.

They set about trying to remove the smell because, as mentioned, the place was next to unbearable, what with the gagging and mackerel-slapping. They tried baking soda, buckets of little pine-tree-shaped-air-fresheners and everything else they could think of but nothing would remove the stank.

When my mom talked to her boss, a dentist, at the office, he mentioned that they should try activated charcoal. Apparently it was good for absorbing odors. My parents hadn’t heard of using activated charcoal in this manner before, but they were willing to try anything.

So they went to the store, purchased some charcoal and went back to their home of noxious fumes. Taking a deep breath, my dad opened the fridge door and put the charcoal in. Hoping for the best, he activated it (wait for it – – -) with a match.

So they went about their business getting settled in after being away for several days. Not really knowing how long the “activated” charcoal needed to sit and work its deodorizing magic, my dad waited about 30 or 45 minutes, then went to check on the progress of smoldering defunkification. He found that, to his surprise, the inside of the ice box had, well, melted. Realizing that maybe activated charcoal wasn’t actually burning charcoal briquettes, he quickly removed it from the refrigerator.

Needless to say, the next day the dentist was rolling on the floor laughing his gold inlays off (rotflhgio) when my mom told him her tale of activated charcoal woe.

I think there’s a reason my parents waited until I was older before they told me this story: so that when I was growing up, I couldn’t throw it back at them when I did stupid stuff. “Well you melted your refrigerator!” The lesson to take away from this anecdote is to learn your parents’ embarrassing stories as early as you can so you have ammunition for a riposte when they come down on you.

Also, try not to melt expensive household appliances.

Video is a success and FSIEHTIT coming soon

The instructional video is a success. I’m already receiving reports of successful implementation by the viewees. If you want to get the attention of that pretty lady you’ve had your eye on, check it out so you too can discover the tried and true, preferred method of doing it successfully.

In other news, I’ve got the Funniest Story I Ever Heard That Is True almost ready to roll. I’ve got to make a call and get my details straight before publishing it. You’ll not want to miss it, just make sure you’re not drinking anything when you read it or you might have to buy another keyboard. I willn’t be held liable for any such expense; you’ve been warned.

Word to you mother.

Instructional Video: How to whistle at a woman

I’ve decided it’s time to give something back to the community. I have plenty of useless knowledge in my noggin and I’m going to share a bit of it with you. Thus the IMKH Instructional Video is born. Note that there seem to be rules about posting videos on your blog. I stuck to them really well. Well no. No I didn’t. Sorry. *snap* Now pay attention.

I’m talking to the ladies first. You like attention from the mens, right? Sure you do. Certain types of attention are undesirable no doubt; the honking of the car horn, dirty-old-man leering, grunting, panting or Merv the Perv comments. But. The whistle is classic. When a woman is out on the street showing what the good lord gave her and a man shows his appreciation with a good whistle, the woman should be flattered, not insulted. Ladies, if the whistle offends you, well, maybe you should lighten up, it’s not like he grabbed your boob or something. I’m telling you, the whistle is classic.

Ok, men, without further ado…

This is my first video so there could be technical difficulties viewing it. If you can’t view it, either email me or leave a comment with your OS and Quicktime version. Check my profile for email addy.

Yeah, I got own3d by the wind and especially the lawn mower. *sigh* I’ve got to hire a better production crew.

So there you have it. By following my simple instructions, you’ll have women asking for your number in no time. Feel free to practice in front of the mirror until you are confident enough to take it to the womens on the street.

Peace Out.

Papa got a brand new pair of shoes

Sometimes I’m a sucker for advertising. But. In this case I had actually been thinking about getting some strictly gym/working out shoes. My everyday shoes are what I’ve been wearing to the gym and sweating in. And they stink. So I wanted some gym-only shoes and try and defunkify my other shoes.

I’ve been seeing the commercials for the Nike Free Training shoes. Run Barefoot. etc. They’re supposed to be like running barefoot and the point of it all is to strengthen your foot. I guess it’s kinda like free weights versus weight machines. Using free weights will make you use more muscles.

I tried some on at my local athletic retail store and they felt really nice. But they didn’t have my size in the style I wanted. We were in Tupelo today treating M’s dad to Father’s day lunch. So we swung by the mall and I went shopping.

I visited every shoe store and found the one that had the best selection. They also had the “best” sales people. He explained that I shouldn’t put these shoes on and go running right away. Why? Because I didn’t grow up in Kenya running barefoot so my feet won’t be strong enough to handle it and I’d strain and/or pull something in my feet. Ok. I guess I’ll walk around for a bit first. Nah, I’ll just hit the stairclimber and treadmill and see what happens. Also, I should buy some sole inserts because they will pad his commission, er, I mean, pad my feet better. But I thought the whole point was to run barefoot? Not barefoot with rubber pads strapped to my feet. So I declined the inserts, though they did feel nice (he had me try them out and walk around of course). I added a headband and a Lance Armstrong cancer donation yellow bracelet thingy (which I gave to my sis-in-law) to my purchase and called it a day.

I’ll be trying these shoes out in the morning at the gym. If they suck, I’ll never speak of them again. If they’re awesome, I’ll expect monetary compensation from the Nike marketing department since I’ll be plugging them like mad here.

Hooray for (Starkville) Hollywood (Cinema)

Saw Batman Begins tonight. I mostly enjoyed it. We got there about 5 minutes before it started and the theater was pretty full up. We ended up sitting on the top row (stadium seating, sweet) on the end next to two elderly ladies. They watched the movie when they weren’t talking about god-knows-what and eating food items smuggled in their very large handbags.

Anyway, the movie had a pretty good feel to it. I really like the Danny Elfman music from the first Batman movie, it would’ve been nice here also. This one breaks some continuity with the other Batman movies, but I felt it was fairly minor. It should have been made first to set the bar for the others. I liked the first Batman movie and all but the others were pretty forgettable. I do recommend that you see this movie.

The comment of the night (I’ll leave out details so as not to spoil anything): after the big explosion at the end (like what movie doesn’t have that?), one of the ladies sitting next to me leans over to her friend and almost-but-not-quite whispers That was like 9/11. *pause* Uh huh.


From the notebook

I woke up one morning, years ago, when I was in high school; my brain was burning with a jumble of words that needed to be let out. I reached to the bedside table for my notebook and in the half-light of the early morning, scribbled these words:

The Vat of Twisted Tooth (Truth?) –
The awful speculation

Later when I was more awake, I read back over them. I didn’t know what they meant. Now, 10 years later, I still don’t know.