Monthly Archives: July 2006

My Homage to Ze

I wrote about Ze recently. Here’s my attempt at what he does FIVE DAYS A WEEK. I started at 8:00pm with about 25% of the material written or created. I just uploaded it to youtube so you do that math.

I loved Ze to begin with, but the fact that he can crank these out in a few hours every day is amazing.

I’m very proud of my song. It’s the first one I’ve ever written and created.

Back when I was funny

A year ago on IMKH, I was funny. Listen, laugh and don’t miss the video at the end…

Surely you’ve seen at least one Police Academy movie. If so, then no doubt you remember Cadet Larvell Jones (Michael Winslow). This was the dude that made the really cool sound efx. He could mimic any sound with his mouth/voice/etc. And because of him, I was inspired to develop this skill.

Yes, for the first time ever, I will demonstrate what has taken me years of practice to learn. You may think it’s easy to make the sound of a door creaking open but to do it so that the public can not tell the difference between the real thing and the sound effect is a highly sought after skill that only a few are fortunate enough to master.

I am one of those few. It has taken me since childhood to perfect some of these effects. I hope you will appreciate the supreme skill involved in producing these sounds.

I think you will be amazed. Enjoy.

(Ed. note: You may need to turn your volume way up to hear worth anything. Or way down.)

I’ll start with a simple one. A train.


Next is a ketchup bottle.

Golly gee

Oh man, you know you hate the squeaky chalk.

Everyone’s favorite: the tugboat foghorn.

Simply stunning

Let’s not forget the magnificent horse.


The spine-tingling roar of a concert crowd.

Ground shaking

Here’s a string of supertastic sounds:

Big rig slamming on brakes

A trumpeting elephant

The air slowly let out of a balloon

Ho-ly crap

How about a bear?


At this point, I know you’re saying There’s no way anybody could make sounds that realistic and amazing. I know, I understand your incredulousness but check it out, I have proof . The last one is a video of me doing some bird calls. 2.7MB, Quicktime format.

Close your eyes and it’s like you’re sitting in the woods surrounded by our singing winged friends, eh? I hope you heard your favorite bird in that medley.

Well there you have it. I’m looking into getting some work doing voice sound efx. I’ve got a call in with Garrison Keillor of Prairie Home Companion. They could totally use my skills over there.

My least favorite day

bear.jpgI have a least favorite day. Do you? Mine may be surprising. Wanna know what it is?

Christmas eve.

Yeah, really. Of course it’s a favorite of many of those who prefer the anticipation of an event than the event itself. Some people are like that. They enjoy the build up to something more than the actual thing. Weird, right? Nah, sometimes waiting for the thing is better than the thing itself.


I remember one Christmas Eve my brother and I were shooting fireworks. He lit a smoke bomb. You know, one of those colored balls that spew colored smoke. He then calls my name, I turn around and happen to be inhaling at the same time. I find a blue smoke bomb directly under my nose as I pull in a lung full of the blue air.

Well, I coughed for the next hour. And everytime I breathed I could taste that funky smelling smoke.

The next year, we were out in the woods that surrounded our home when we found an old tree stand. It was a few short 2x4s nailed to the trunk of a tree leading up to a small platform about 20 feet up. It was old and rotten and rickety. Of course my brother forced me to climb it when I didn’t want to. So I whined and complained and cried but he threatened to cause me physical harm. Better the imagined physical harm of falling out of the tree than the for-sure-getting-my-ass-beat harm from him.

I finally climbed up there but it was a very traumatic experience.

The next year my dad and I were out hunting. He left me sitting on a tree stump on the edge of a field. After about 15 minutes I heard coming from the woods across the field what could only be interpreted my by young mind as a huge bear crashing through a creek coming to eat me. Never mind that there aren’t any bears that far south in Mississippi, I was going to die a horrible gruesome death BEFORE OPENING MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

After a couple minutes I couldn’t take it anymore and went to find dad. As I rounded the corner on the old logging road, I saw a body lying on the 4-wheeler. Terrified someone had decided to die on our 4-wheeler or a grisly murder had taken place right there on my ATV, I cautiously approached.

Quickly I realized the body looked familiar, in fact, it was dad! I walked quickly over and he sat up. “Hard to take a nap ’round here with them beavers slapping their tails in the creek over there.”

I was relieved for more than one reason. I still had both parents alive AND I’d get to open my presents in the morning.

These are just a few reasons of why I’m not a fan of Christmas Eve. I just never know what’s going to happen. Nothing serious has happened in the last few years but I’m always alert and ready on the 24th of December.

Gym and Locker Room Etiquette

topgun01.jpgThis was originally titled “Public Penis Pontifications.” But I decided to increase the scope.

At the gym where I workout, they have signs posted everywhere that you MUST have a towel to workout. Of course, they don’t seem to enforce this rule. I see people working out without a towel and leaving their sweat all over everything. Do they get asked to leave? Heck no.

Contrary to popular belief of those that actually do bring a towel, it’s not for you to pat your face when you’ve done 80 reps of 8 lbs while barely bending a joint. I’ve never understood that. I see people sit down at a leg extension machine, for example. They’ll do at least 50 repetitions and barely move their legs; maybe like 10 degrees of total movement. I suppose it’s better than nothing, but it’s annoying when I’m waiting for a machine and the dude is endlessly barely squeaking his knees.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, contrary to popular belief, the towel is not for you, it’s to WIPE YOUR BODY DRIPPINGS OFF THE MACHINE. Really, I’m serious. I’ll see people heave their sweaty wet bodies all over a machine, making sweet sweet aerobic or weight lifting love to it and then take their towel, mop their forehead and walk away.


Wipe that bitch down! I don’t want to sit on, lay in or even touch your body juice. I understand we’re all sweating and working hard but please please don’t make me clean up after your overactive oily glands.

Now, after you’re done working out, you head to the locker room. Let’s talk about locker room philosophy and etiquette for a bit.

So it’s time to shower. Now I think most men would rather not walk around naked while exposing their downtown bonanza to the rest of the men in the room. But. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t, then you’re ashamed or insecure or not confident or something. And you’re NOT A MAN. So all the guys walk around with their business dangling all hairy and lopsided.

I know. Eww.

From talking to M, I think women are the opposite, it’s not a big deal to be nude in front of each other but nobody does it in the women’s locker room. You know, probably out of respect for one another or maybe not to be rude. Sorry guys, there ain’t no free and clear boobies or possible spontaneous lezbo action going on in the women’s locker room.

So, the guys are all walking around, making everybody uncomfortable (eyes up!). The worst is when one guy is sitting on the bench tying a shoe or something and another guy, who is completely naked, is standing next to him with one foot propped up on the bench like he’s modeling sport coats in the Sears catalogue, talking to him or telling a joke. “God Man! Really?! Could you please get your swinging, hairy BALLS out of my face ’cause I’m trying real hard not to look but I’m about to be hypnotized by their rhythmic pendulum motion. I actually wish you were fatter so that your gut covered up your old, wrinkled genitials.”

Anyway, I avoid the locker room and shower at home when I can but sometimes walking around a room naked with a bunch of other naked guys is what I do on my lunch hour. Wow, I hope THAT gets quoted out of context.

Happy Fourth

Hope you had a good one. I had Monday off as well as today and M and I had a nice long weekend together. It was good. I’m heading to Bham on Friday to chill there next weekend.

What’s up with you? That’s good. I hope it works out for you. Me? Oh well, not much…except….RIDING AROUND IN MY JEEP. Yeah, I finally got one after weeks and weeks of looking and a couple hit and misses. It’s sweet, it needs a few things but I’m enjoying it.

My Rodeo is almost ready to sell and I must admit I will miss it. It was the first car I bought myself. Not to mention the V6 and smooth, quiet ride. Ah well, that’s the trade off for having a cool jeep (that is a 4 cyclinder).

I will post a pic soon.

Well I just wanted to write something boring for you and send my love out to all you internet people.