Monthly Archives: September 2005

People! Listen to what I have to say

Here’s what I want to say to you, the good reader, I mean, if I could only say one thing to you today it would have to be this, definitely this above all else, because I wouldn’t want to waste your time with all the others things I could say, so it boils down to this, and it really is important so listen (read?) closely and slowly and correctly, multiple times if you have to and, you know, that’s the great thing about the written word; if you didn’t really understand something that was written, you can go back and read it as many times as you want to until you totally get it because it’s static, it doesn’t change, it’s there for you to look at whenever you want and at your leisure and I hope you have lots of leisure since leisure is an important aspect of one’s life because you really couldn’t go through life without some amount of leisure time to spend by yourself or maybe with friends and family that live with you or near you or maybe a neighbor that you don’t know too well and he lives next to you or across the street or maybe at some angle but in relative nearness to you that you could go over and ask them if they wanted to play horseshoes and talk about politics or the weather or sports or maybe that bunion on your foot that your mother or spouse or roommate has been trying to get you to go to the doctor to have it looked at but you don’t want to because there was that one time in 5th grade when you might have broken your thumb but the “doctor” looked at the X-ray and said “No, it’s not broken, it’s just sprained or something so you should try and move it around and get some flexibility back into it” and then the “doctor” called back the next day and you had been flexing it in horrible horrible pain but that’s what the “doctor” said to do and you were doing it, and so the “doctor” said that “oops the film was still wet and after looking at the X-ray again after it was dry that your thumb was, in fact, broken and you better not move it much and had better come back in for a splint” but the damage was already done and your thumb has never been the same since and you’ve never really liked going to “doctors” after that because, did they really know what they were talking about anyway? and I really doubt they do since your thumb is now b0rken and you’ll never have that career in professional thumb wrestling that you were training for by doing thumb push-ups and thumb stretches and going to amateur thumb wrestling night at the Pig Pen Sports Bar on Tuesday nights right after you finished with your weekly thumb-only manicure that all the guys made fun of you for but you knew that a good-looking thumb is half the battle in thumb wrestling because it says “Hey my thumb looks really good because I take care of it and I take thumb wrestling seriously” so the competition is already intimidated by your beautifully manicured thumb that only cost $4 at the asian fingernail place where you know they’re talking about you in Vietnamese behind your back and they’re probably making fun of your request for a thumbs-only manicure since you’re not willing to go all out and get the other eight fingers done because that would just be over-the-line.

So anyway, thanks for listening, er, reading and do remember what I said.

The Phone Conversation I Had Last Night

went something like this:

[J] Dude, are you guys OK?
[Me] Huh?
[J] Are you alright?
[Me] *Looks around, pats self* Yeah, I think so. Why?
[J] A tornado was reported to have come through south of town where you guys live.
[Me] Oh. We are watching TV and haven’t heard anything but rain. But yeah, we’re OK.
[J] There are reports of damage to campus so I’m headed in to check things out.

And so went about three other calls I received.

We weren’t even watching live TV. We were watching some TiVo’ed programs, we rarely watch live TV anymore. There would’ve been no “doo-doo doo-doo” interrupting our program had there been a tornado baring down upon the tornado magnet that I live in. We would have had no advanced warning. Zero. Nada. I would have been like “Do you hear a train coming this way?” right before the whole place lifted up and went through the rinse cycle.

Scary stuff.

The picture above is a trailer park IN MY AREA. I am so selling my trailer and moving to a brick-covered house. Underground. Anybody want a good deal on a 2002 Cavalier mobile home? One owner, excellent condition. Pretty please?

I would say that whereas Katrina did more wide-spread damage here, this Rita-inspired tornadic activity was spotty but far more severe. The power of the twister is impressive to say the least.

M. and I drove around the affected trailer park during lunch today. The carnage is enough to seriously make us think about trying to sell our place. We’d have to sell it anyway in about 2 years when M. finishes school and we move on. Now seems like a very good time to find a more stable place of residence.

My heart goes out to the poor college kids (that’s mostly who lives in that particular trailer park) that had their homes destroyed. It won’t be easy to focus on school when all your stuff is gone and you have no place to live.

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I was mauled by the Lion

but I can entertain the kiddies. What I mean to say is, I mentioned my first ever “real play” audition and the results in the comments.

The same day I got the disappointing news about Lion, I went for another audition, this time a university production of Paul Sills’ Story Theatre. The audition was a lot of fun and laid back. I still didn’t give it all I had, I felt that I was capable of more but just didn’t give it. Ah well, I’ll get better at showcasing my stuff on the spot when it matters.

Well, I just went and checked the cast list for Story Theatre and I MADE IT! This calls for a w00t, I do believe.

This is a children’s show and I think it will be a lot of fun. Lion In Winter is a hefty show and requires a strong cast as there are no small roles. You couldn’t really cast someone and say “Well if they suck, at least it’s only a small role.” The directory really couldn’t take chances on someone that they weren’t sure about. So no, I’m not surprised that I didn’t get cast in it.

But Story Theatre will fit me better anyway, I think. You know, big, over-the-top one-dimensional characters. It will be a good first show for me to be a part of and I’m very excited.

Call Me Kirby

I’ve decided that’s who I’ll be when I don’t need to be me. Other possibilities include Cecil, Devin or Charlie. But I think I’ll stick with Kirby.

See the thing is, I tend to clam up or freeze up or, well you get the picture, when I’m nervous and/or out of my comfort zone.

I went to a Runnin With Scissors practice last night. RWS is the improv/sketch comedy group that I’m wanting to join up with. So what did I do? Did I jump right in and make an ass of myself? NO! I sat on my arse too scared to move.

I’ve mentioned this sort of thing before (somewhere in there anyway); how it takes me a while to open up and be myself around new people. My brain doesn’t work very good in those situations. Well I can’t have brain freezage when I’m trying to be funny off the top of my head, can I? I don’t wanna get cut before I even get started, do I?

So I’ve decided next time I’ll take Kirby with me and he’ll do just fine.

And I really wasn’t mentally prepared to participate. I thought it was more of a meet ‘n’ greet and sit and watch practice. But there were other new people jumping in and the regulars asked if any new people wanted to try it out.

I was afraid of this very thing going into my acting class. You know, where the instructor would ask for a volunteer or volunteers for something and I would sit there going “oh dear, I should volunteer and I will as soon as we sit here for 3 minutes and no one else volunteers.” Well screw that. Before the first class meeting I told myself “Self, you’re taking this class to learn and you can’t be scared so when he asks for volunteers, you are going to jump up right then and DO IT.” And so I have. I’ve been very proud of myself. So I just gotta have the same attitude about improv comedy. JUST DO IT and if I suck, I’LL GET BETTER. I mean, er, Kirby will.

Meanwhile, this weekend is alumni marching band. It’s when all the old people get to relive their college band days for a bit. Of course the alumni band sounds horrible because only half (at best) still play their horns with any kind of regularity. I think I actually haven’t played mine since last year’s alumni band. That makes me sad but only a little. I mean, I have played since the 6th grade. That’s like, 73 years.

My buddy Richard and I always go and sneak in with the regular band for the 4th quarter of the game. I think this year will be the first year that we won’t know anybody in the band. The incoming freshmen of our last year in band are all gone now. At least the ones we knew are. Which is sad because it means we are now officially old people, too. But that’s OK, we always have fun freaking out the young ‘uns by playing everything up an octave. w00t!

On Sunday, my lips will be very sore.

Well, I wish each and every 4 of you a safe and happy weekend.

JNO. A+++++!!! Would do business with again!!!!!

I went and had sushi for the first time ever last night. M. and I and two people from the theater, M.J. and C. – T. would meet up with us later and the other C. couldn’t make it.

Holy crap, apparently sushi has to be grown from seeds, watered and cultivated before being served to me on a little wooden block. It took forever. But that’s a’ight, the company was good. Though we had T. waiting on us at the next stop of the Japanese Night Out so we tried to hurry things along.

I had California rolls and shrimp crunch rolls. I also traded a couple of mine for a couple of M.J.’s eel and snow crap rolls. All in all, quite tasty. Would do business with again!!!

To complete our Japanese Night Out, we went to the karaoke bar afterwards. Well not really a karaoke bar as much as a night club with a karaoke night. It was at the Holiday Inn. I had pictured in my mind a nice, not really upscale, but you know, little-leather-chairs-and-small-round-tables-with-candles lounge sort of feel.

Yeah, not so much.

It was Fat (or Big, I can’t remember) Daddy’s Night Club. Complete with air brush graphic detail on the walls and all the country, redneck skankywags you could hope for. When we got there, M.J. went up to talk to the guy running the karaoke show since she used to work with him, going to shows and singing.

Meanwhile, the sight on stage made me vomit a little in my mouth.

There was this lady, who probably was about 50 years old but looked every minute of 65. She was mostly drunk or stoned or maybe just had a penchant for eating retard sandwiches, it wasn’t really clear to me. She was “singing,” and I use the word loosely, an Elvis tune about three bars behind the music. Her bleached hair was in a pony tail on top of her head. She was wearing a dark tank top thing that was more than one size too small. On her bottom half was tight red pants. Put them together on her humpty-dumpty like frame and the shirt came up too high and the pants didn’t come up high enough. All the while she “sang”, she was swaying or swiveling or maybe she just had to poop real bad.

Haha, I haven’t said ‘poop’ on here in a while.

Anyway, it was like watching a train wreck, you didn’t want to watch but you COULD NOT LOOK AWAY. Later I did some grinding with her on the dance floor.

M.J. sang a couple of songs and did really well. The crowd really enjoyed her. Poor M. was in the lobby of the hotel doing homework for class. She is quite the dedicated student isn’t she?

It was a fun night out, poopy-pants (TWICE!) humpty-dumpty not withstanding, and I give it an A++++++!!!!! Maybe next time we’ll plan better in advance and more peeps can come.

Avast Ye Matey or something

11a.jpgAs you well know, today is Talk Like A Pirate Day. That’s all well and good but what about Talk Like A Ninja Day? Oh wait, Ninja don’t talk do they? I think that would ruin the whole silent assassin bit.

Alright, what do ninja do then that we can dedicate a whole day to it? Stalk Like A Ninja Day. I don’t know. Carry Deadly Concealed Weapons To Work Like A Ninja Day. That would go over really well or get you very fired depending on your work environment. Scratch that. Ok, let’s regroup and think.

Ah ha! Wear Camel-Toed Shoes Like A Ninja Day. Crap, I thought I had something there for a second.

I guess I don’t have a good idea. We’ll worry about this later but for now everybody enjoy annoying the piss out of your friends and co-workers with statements like Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly? or Arrr, I’m goin ta send this copier to Davey Jones’ locker if I be seein’ PC Load Letter one more time!

Time to ship off to lunch, mates.

Big Cat In The Cold

So I have my first ever “real” play audition this Sunday and Monday. It’s a really great show, I’ve read it and watched a movie of it. With none other Captain Jean-Luc, er, wait, I mean Patrick Stewart playing one of the leads. Of course I’m talking about The Lion In Winter.

It is a male-heavy ensemble. There’s Henry, ye olde king and Father to Richard, Geoffrey and John. Also there’s Philip the King o’ France. I couldn’t really play Henry since I’m not old enough (or experienced enough) but I’d be super-duper pleased if I get any one of the sons or Philip.

Props to Dave “Taterhead” P. for the sweet pic.

Also, I also saw my first show at SCT last night, “Seeing Stars In Dixie.” Maddy and Marianne, two wonderful ladies I met during the summer musical, were in it and they were great. It was a very enjoyable show and Maddy was a scene stealer.

Meanwhile, in acting class we’re doing monologues. We have to pick a monologue from a play and do it for the class. I’ve picked something from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Great, funny play. The movie’s pretty good too. Thanks (again) to J. for introducing me to the movie back in high school. I bought the script years ago and saw MSU’s production of it when they did it a little while back.

Just for practice, I’m going to do my monologue now from memory.

Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead…lying in a box with a lid on it? Nor do I really…it’s silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in box, one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead…which should make all the difference…shouldn’t it? I mean, you’d never know you were in a box. It would be just like being asleep in a box…not that I’d like to sleep in a box, mind you, not without any air…you’d wake up dead for a start, then where would you be…apart from inside a box. That’s the part I don’t like frankly. That’s why I don’t think of it.

Because you’d be helpless wouldn’t you? Stuffed in a box like that, I mean, you’d be in there forever. Even taking into account the fact that you’re dead, it isn’t a pleasant thought. Especially if you’re dead, really…ask yourself, if I asked you straight off, I’m going to stuff you in this box now, would you prefer to be alive or dead? Naturally you’d prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You’d have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking, Well at least I’m not dead. In a minute someone’s going to come bang on the lid and tell me to come out. Hey you whatsyername! Come out of there!

There might be a few mistakes in there but that’s what’s in my head so I’m going with it.

E’rybody have a good weekend. Eat some pocky for me.

Traveling With Mr. Bob

I’ve had many influential figures in my life growing up. Now’s the time when I tell you about Mr. Bob. Sometimes referred to as Bargain Bob. But he’ll be mostly Mr. Bob for this story.

I’ve known Mr. Bob almost my entire life. My family moved to Hattiesburg when I was 4 or 5 years old. Mr. Bob was the music minister at our church. He’d already been there for like 25 years when we got there. My dad was the new youth minister at the time.

Mr. Bob is old school. He’s down with the big pipe organ and choir robes and the “high church music.” But hey, our church was mostly the older generation so it was all good. He smiles easily and is always glad to see you.

Here’s one of the best things I learned from Mr. Bob: How To Travel. The man loved to travel. When we went on youth choir trips, we had fun the whole way there and back. See, when you went on trips with the youth minister (not my dad at this point) or someone else, the mission was TO GET THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN. “Making good time” referred to how fast you got there. Actually, typical man traveling style I guess. During the 15 hour trip there might be one stop for 2 and half minutes for everyone to use the facilities and grab a bite to eat. But we had to get back on the road so we could get there. And fast.

Not so with Mr. Bob. Man, if one person thought they might have to pee, he would pull over at the nearest rest stop. If we were traveling on the weekend and a flea market was open, you’d better believe we were stopping. That man knew every flea market east of the Great Mississippi.

But we still made good time. Mainly because Mr. Bob would do at least 80mph in the big ol’ church van with the U-Haul trailer hitched to it.

One particular thing he liked to do was mission trips. This meant we went somewhere to minister to folks in song. Usually at flea markets.

I’m serious.

One time we went to New York. But mostly we went to the Smokey Mountains to spread the Good News at campgrounds and flea markets. So when we were done meeting the bargain shoppers and RVers spiritual needs, we could go find some bargains for ourselves.

I mentioned that Mr. Bob is known as Bargain Bob sometimes. See, he takes his yearly vacations to drive up the east coast and hit flea markets. Then he sells the stuff in his booth at a local antique mall. So you know he has some serious haggling skills.

After one particular set where we sang and even dressed up like clowns for the kids, me and my buddy C. set off in search for some vintage Star Wars toys and memorabilia. During this time in high school we were serious about collecting the original Star Wars toys. This is before the new SW movies came out. I have been decidedly un-Star Wars since they came out.

We eventually found a lady that had a Chewbacca figure, an original LP of the Star Wars Music and a land speeder vehicle. Now we had zero experience haggling with the flea market proprietors so we set off to find Mr. Bob to do the dirty work for us. He was more than willing to put on his Bargain Bob hat.

The lady wanted something like $25 for the 3 items. Definitely reasonable, but hey, this is a flea market, aren’t you supposed to haggle just a little? So Bargain Bob starts in on her and it goes something like this:

Bargain Bob: Alright, how much do you want for these old toys?
Flea Market Lady: Well, they’re $25.
BB: mmhmm mmhmm, sure sure. Now what kinda deal can you make me since I want all three?
FML: Well, they add up to $25.
BB: Yeah, but don’t you think since I’m buying multiple items, we can make a deal?
FML: [getting slightly agitated] They’re $25.
BB: Ok, I’m thinking about $18, what do you say?
FML: [definitely agitated] I said $25!
BB: [maintaining cool] Right right, $18 seems more than reasonable to me.
FML: [almost hysterical] There will be no deal!
BB: Alright alright. How about $20? Surely $20 is a fair price for these old dusty things?
FML: [absolutely hysterical] No! No! No deals!

And then she snatches the items in question and clutches them to her person as if we might grab them and run. At this point I’m really worried the lady is going to call security.

Heh, flea market security. I’m not even sure there is such a thing but can you imagine? Billy Ray leaning up against a post eating pork rinds and wiping his greasy fingers on his black t-shirt that he bought at vendor booth #18 that says ‘Security’ on the front. On the back is an advert for Browning gun cabinets. Woohoo, anyway.

So I say to Bargain Bob “$25 is OK, we can do that.” I just wanted the Chewbacca and record, man. The land speeder was for C. Bargain Bob shoots me this look like “What are you doing boy?! Let me work. I’ve almost broken her!”

Well, we paid the $25 and got out of there. I didn’t want Billy Ray after me.

After the trip, I was excited to hear an original Star Wars soundtrack LP on our record player. I took the record out of the sleeve, put it on the turntable and ever-so-gently dropped the needle. The sounds that met my ears caused my face to melt off. And it never really recovered. Seriously, if you look really close you can see tale-tell (tell-tale?) signs of Madam Pomfrey’s use of Boogin’s Face Wax and the Waxious Facetious Reparo spell.

After my face recovered somewhat, I took a closer look at the record sleeve. Yes, it was the Star Wars music and from 1977. Good. But, oh, wait. It was performed by the Electric Moog Orchestra. See this dude named Moog invented the first electronic synthesizer. So imagine the Star Wars theme in a 70’s disco style played by early keyboard synthesizers. Uh huh. Yeah, you can’t imagine that.

So Mr. Bob is great. I love traveling and I don’t mind stopping and enjoying the trip, not just the destination. I really have him to thank for it.

There was that time on the Six Flags trip (that we took every summer) when we saw him without his toupee, but I’ll save that for another day.

Oh, and no, you can’t have my attic full of sweet, sweet, vintage Star Wars toys and memorabilia.

Thanks to J. for reminding me that Mr. Bob is a cool cat.

Stop Racial Stereotypes

I know this sort of thing isn’t usual IMKH fodder, but something must be said.

I’m so tired of racial stereotyping and a certain one in particular. I mean can’t we just keep an open mind and not judge people based on out-dated or just-plain-completely-wrong-and-retarded hearsay and rumors? It’s got to stop.

I’m not saying I’ve never seen a white person dancing badly and gone “Oh dear, he must have ants in his pants. Oh no. Wait. Poor thing is just trying to dance” in my head. Or shook my head at the long line of cars with fancy-pants rims and rattling trunks in the drive through at KFC. Or maybe saw a group of asians and started humming “Deck The Halls” when I walked by. Yes, I have been guilty. But still, some racial stereotypes have no basis in history or fact. There’s no evidence, just rumor passing gone amuck.

I’m sorry, I’ve got to get this off my chest


Holy crap, how many times have I heard this? Especially from black people. Where did this come from? It’s. just. not. true. For most white people anyway.

Fortunately, I haven’t had this aimed at me, well, because obviously, I’m black. I mean have you seen my natural hair? Please refer to the story at the end of this post.

I bring this to your attention for my white brothers and sisters out there. And their whining about this stereotype is getting on my nerves. Look, I’ve showered with lots of white people (it’s the best way to get to know somebody) and they totally don’t smell like goats.

Everyone, please do your part in displacing this stereotype in America. Thank you.

What’s new with you?

Nothin, I don’t know.

See, I just haven’t been inspired lately to write anything new. Why frickin’ not? I wonder. Man, early on this summer, I had multiple ideas coming at me everyday and I could, like, make a selection as to which ones were best to actually write about. Oh those were good times.

Nowadays I find myself coming here and refreshing to see if the blog has been updated. I’m always disappointed.

And I’ve written some funny stuff on here man. I know because I could go back and read it now and I would still laugh. I’ve written this stuff down because I find it funny and I sincerely hope others do to. And people have laughed. They told me so. And it makes me happy.

Maybe I’ve gotten duller and dumber over the summer. ‘Cause before I’d notice stuff and it would get me thinking and I’d come up with a funny angle to it and I’d write about it. Now I don’t seem to be noticing anything. And if I do, I don’t come up with anything funny to say about it.

Just so you know, I ain’t whining. I’m just stating the facts dude. This is where I am.

Man I hope something funny comes along soon or I’ll have to change the bio in my profile. I probably just need to write more in general and stuff will come to me.

Isn’t it weird how things you should be doing or you want to do, you just don’t do? And sometimes many things tie in together. Like I totally kicked ass in the gym this summer, lost 30+ pounds. For the last few weeks I’ve been lazy and eating bad. What’s up with that? And my writing on here has kinda fallen off with my focus on being healthy. See? How are they even related? I don’t know. There’s some deeper issue I guess. There’s some other things I know I should be doing but I don’t do them. It’s easier to just coast than make things better. wtf, I say. w.t.f.

Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

Speaking of my chest, I have about 4 chest hairs. Well I just pulled one out. What the heck man?! I’ve only got four, well, now three. I need all the chest hairs I can get! And I’m sitting here pulling them out?

Well at least my nipple hair has come in nicely.