Tag Archives: writing

How JUNO Sounded to Me

juno-small.jpgJUNO was a big hit, right? Oscar for best screenplay, right? Everybody loved it, right? Well. There were several aspects that I enjoyed about it. e.g. I thought it was the best performance I’ve seen from Jennifer Garner. But Juno’s dialogue. It just tried waaay too hard to sound like a hip teenager to me. That’s why I loved this re-write. A sample.

They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room
set in front of MICHAEL CERA’S HOME.


Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it’s incredibly quirky of you.


Yeah, well I’m pretty quirky.


So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-


Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.


Whenever I see the track team, I can’t help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term “pork swords.”


Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.


Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I’m going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It’s kind of my thing.

There are several more funny bits in there.

Comedy is hard

I’ve heard that many times from people. Some say doing drama is easier. Well I don’t really know. To that end, I’m reading my first book on comedy writing that I checked out from the library. Here’s what the author has to say about humor:

Humor is playful incongruity that contains a tension between two levels of meaning followed by a clash of sufficient complexity that surprises and delights and that leads to a resolution of that meaning.”

What’s so hard about that?

What’s new with you?

Nothin, I don’t know.

See, I just haven’t been inspired lately to write anything new. Why frickin’ not? I wonder. Man, early on this summer, I had multiple ideas coming at me everyday and I could, like, make a selection as to which ones were best to actually write about. Oh those were good times.

Nowadays I find myself coming here and refreshing to see if the blog has been updated. I’m always disappointed.

And I’ve written some funny stuff on here man. I know because I could go back and read it now and I would still laugh. I’ve written this stuff down because I find it funny and I sincerely hope others do to. And people have laughed. They told me so. And it makes me happy.

Maybe I’ve gotten duller and dumber over the summer. ‘Cause before I’d notice stuff and it would get me thinking and I’d come up with a funny angle to it and I’d write about it. Now I don’t seem to be noticing anything. And if I do, I don’t come up with anything funny to say about it.

Just so you know, I ain’t whining. I’m just stating the facts dude. This is where I am.

Man I hope something funny comes along soon or I’ll have to change the bio in my profile. I probably just need to write more in general and stuff will come to me.

Isn’t it weird how things you should be doing or you want to do, you just don’t do? And sometimes many things tie in together. Like I totally kicked ass in the gym this summer, lost 30+ pounds. For the last few weeks I’ve been lazy and eating bad. What’s up with that? And my writing on here has kinda fallen off with my focus on being healthy. See? How are they even related? I don’t know. There’s some deeper issue I guess. There’s some other things I know I should be doing but I don’t do them. It’s easier to just coast than make things better. wtf, I say. w.t.f.

Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

Speaking of my chest, I have about 4 chest hairs. Well I just pulled one out. What the heck man?! I’ve only got four, well, now three. I need all the chest hairs I can get! And I’m sitting here pulling them out?

Well at least my nipple hair has come in nicely.

Insert Title Here

Ok I’m just gonna write some stuff and go with it so put on your seat belt. It’s 5 minutes with Mr. KaryHead.

How the heck did I get that name? Mr. KaryHead. What does it even mean? Well I’ll tell you.

Once very long ago I was helping with Vacation Bible School at church. Don’t know what VBS is? Sorry, I’m moving on. So I was helping with the chillin’s recreation time. Me and some friends. We had fun with the kiddies. They chased us, we chased them, we slid down the slide, they slid down the slide, we bounced rubber balls off of their heads, they most certainly did not bounce balls off our heads. They were too short for that sort of thing.

One day I did something one of them didn’t like. Maybe I pushed him down. Nah, that doesn’t seem right, I wasn’t mean. Maybe I didn’t let him win Duck Duck Goose. Yeah. Cause I will never play the patsy with kids when it comes to Duck Duck Goose. I play fo’ keeps, yo.

So anyway, this kid, who apparently couldn’t run around a circle of his seated peers as fast as I could, says something like You ol’ Mr. KaryHead.

You know how kids will insult you by adding ‘head’ to the word? You ol’ poophead, for example. Or You ain’t nuthin’ but a farthead. You see the theme here? Well that’s the kind of insults kids use. At least they did in my day, who knows what kind of awful words they would use today. You might be callin me Mr. LimpDickHead if it were kids today. Jeez. Inside Mr. LimpDickHead just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

For some reason the slow-running-Goose couldn’t come up with a good bodily function word to add ‘head’ to in his frustration. So he used my name + head. My friends thought it was sooo funny.

I’ve been known as Mr. KaryHead ever since. Sometimes just KaryHead if we’re on familiar terms.

Good night.