Here’s what I want to say to you, the good reader, I mean, if I could only say one thing to you today it would have to be this, definitely this above all else, because I wouldn’t want to waste your time with all the others things I could say, so it boils down to this, and it really is important so listen (read?) closely and slowly and correctly, multiple times if you have to and, you know, that’s the great thing about the written word; if you didn’t really understand something that was written, you can go back and read it as many times as you want to until you totally get it because it’s static, it doesn’t change, it’s there for you to look at whenever you want and at your leisure and I hope you have lots of leisure since leisure is an important aspect of one’s life because you really couldn’t go through life without some amount of leisure time to spend by yourself or maybe with friends and family that live with you or near you or maybe a neighbor that you don’t know too well and he lives next to you or across the street or maybe at some angle but in relative nearness to you that you could go over and ask them if they wanted to play horseshoes and talk about politics or the weather or sports or maybe that bunion on your foot that your mother or spouse or roommate has been trying to get you to go to the doctor to have it looked at but you don’t want to because there was that one time in 5th grade when you might have broken your thumb but the “doctor” looked at the X-ray and said “No, it’s not broken, it’s just sprained or something so you should try and move it around and get some flexibility back into it” and then the “doctor” called back the next day and you had been flexing it in horrible horrible pain but that’s what the “doctor” said to do and you were doing it, and so the “doctor” said that “oops the film was still wet and after looking at the X-ray again after it was dry that your thumb was, in fact, broken and you better not move it much and had better come back in for a splint” but the damage was already done and your thumb has never been the same since and you’ve never really liked going to “doctors” after that because, did they really know what they were talking about anyway? and I really doubt they do since your thumb is now b0rken and you’ll never have that career in professional thumb wrestling that you were training for by doing thumb push-ups and thumb stretches and going to amateur thumb wrestling night at the Pig Pen Sports Bar on Tuesday nights right after you finished with your weekly thumb-only manicure that all the guys made fun of you for but you knew that a good-looking thumb is half the battle in thumb wrestling because it says “Hey my thumb looks really good because I take care of it and I take thumb wrestling seriously” so the competition is already intimidated by your beautifully manicured thumb that only cost $4 at the asian fingernail place where you know they’re talking about you in Vietnamese behind your back and they’re probably making fun of your request for a thumbs-only manicure since you’re not willing to go all out and get the other eight fingers done because that would just be over-the-line.
So anyway, thanks for listening, er, reading and do remember what I said.
4 thoughts on “People! Listen to what I have to say”
Holy crap, did you really make it through all that? If not, here’s the synopsis:
I have something important to tell you about reading and bunions at the doctor who told you that you couldn’t pursue your dream of professional thumb wrestling so stop getting thumbs-only manicures.
Yeah, that’s about it. And I’m really terribly sorry for all that, it wasn’t planned, it just fell out of my head one word at a time and dear god would you look at it? It’s hideous. But I still giggled.
Microsoft Word give me a big green squiggly line on it. I don’t understand why, M Glamser would have been proud.
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