When I see someone defying the well thought out design of a bicycle and riding with no hands, I wish for nothing more than for them to fall on their face RIGHT THEN. To me, it is the height of arrogance to ride a bicycle with no hands. One handed? Ok, fine, you’re pushing the bounds of acceptable safety, but go ahead.

When you ride a bike with no hands you are broadcasting to the world, “Look at me. I don’t bend over at the waist to grasp the ergonomic handlebars with my hands, therefore ensuring my safety and the safety of those around me. I ride sitting straight up in the seat with my hands resting on my thighs or even letting them cavalierly hang down next to me. I throw caution and safety to the wind while I take my life in my own hands. I am a cocky, son of a B.”

When I see this happening, as I did today (and not to mention the doosh was riding ON THE SIDEWALK), I hope with all my might that he will eat pavement right in front of me.

I’m sorry, I don’t normally wish ill upon anyone, but in this case it is deserved. I mean, just look at this buttplug. How do you think he feels now?

Bikes on the college campus annoy the crap out of me. And I don’t mean motorcycles, I mean legcycles.

Here’s why.

Bikes do not belong on the sidewalk or in other pedestrian areas. You know, WHERE PEOPLE ARE WALKING.

There I said it. Flame away you pedaling namby pambies!

Yet the bike riders zoom around on sidewalks and near about run people over. I don’t think they should be on the sideWALK to begin with and certainly not if they can’t pilot their vehicle well enough to avoid clipping people with their handlebars. I did see one bicycler start to lose control of his bike, swerve to avoid hitting a pedestrian and then crash awesomely. And lo, I did laugh. (He wasn’t hurt).

What really burns my biscuits is when they jet through a crosswalk and expect the cars to stop for them. The crossWALK is for WALKERS. People on foot. I will stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk everytime but I ain’t brakin’ for no fool on a two wheeler. Half the time they are moving too fast for me to react anyway. Hey hey hey, don’t think just ’cause you in the crosswalk mean you is right. I stop for pedestrians and for things bigger than me. A bicycler is neither of those.

I think bikes belong on the road. How many times have I heard the lycra-clad masses whine “Same road, same rules” to the car driving folk? A LOT. They want car drivers to recognize them as legitimate road sharers. Yet, how many times have I seen a bike rider pedal right on through a red light or stop sign? A LOT. “I’m a bike, I don’t have to stop.” You don’t want me to run you off the road when I pass you? Then obey the same laws that I do in my car and I’ll respect you. I have been known to roll down my window and yell at these law breaking riders “same road, same rules, pal!” I mean, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I guess that’s about it.