Tag Archives: advice

What Ridiculous Thing Should I Do With My Beard?


I’ve been letting my beard grow because 1) I’m lazy and 2) I think it fits the character for the one act play I’m doing. After the show on Wednesday, I plan to shave.

The question is, what fun and interesting thing to (temporarily) do with it? Chops? Mustache? Lightning bolts carved in the sides? Keep in mind I already did the trucker ‘stache.

Leave your ideas, votes, and shenanigans in the comments.

Resumé Advice

So I’m updating my resumé which I haven’t done in years. Anybody have some good tips or resources? I will ask google as well, but if anybody is in a position that they hire people and sort through resumés in their job, please offer some advice. Or if you’ve had good results doing a certain thing, please leave a comment.

Advice For The Womens: How To Buy A Gift For The Mens

How many times have I heard a woman complain “It’s hard to shop for a man?” Like a lot. Tons. More than I can remember.

Well, ladies, I’m here today to help you out. That’s right, I’m going to tell you what kinds of things you can buy for your man or brother or father or maybe that creepy old man neighbor that he’ll love. No more wondering if he’ll like it or if he, god forbid, needs it.

Yeah, so here’s tip number one, if he needs it, it’s probably not a good gift. There are exceptions to this which I’ll cover later.

Here is the main principal for buying a gift for a man. If he can’t play with it, it sucks. There, I said it. When we were boys, our moms certainly bought us socks and ties but, dang it, in addition they always bought us TOYS. You think we’ve changed any? HELL NO. If after opening my birthday or Christmas presents and there’s nothing for me to play with, I’ll be pouty.

I’m not saying you can’t buy us a nice shirt or a picture frame; that’s cool too. I happen to like new clothes but I can’t very well play with a new pair of pants can I? Nope but I can play in them if you bought me a toy too.

You can buy him items that he needs BUT you’ve got to have some sort of toy in there. And I don’t mean a G.I. Joe figure (though that would be sweet), it can be anything. A new power tool, a radio controlled car or plane or boat or cat, an electronic gadget, a computer game, LEGOS or a car. Hopefully you know your man well enough that you could think of a toy he’d like.

If you are in a new relationship or you don’t know your father that well because his sorry ass left you and your mom when you were three and now 20 years later he’s feeling guilty and is trying to make amends and you have to buy him a Christmas present because he invited you over for Christmas dinner with his “other” family and you’re going to go since you would actually like to have a relationship with your birth father, here’s some things that are no-brainer winners.

Gift certificate to a home improvement center You don’t know what tools he has but every man has to upkeep his residence and every now and then he’ll have to go buy something at Lowe’s or Home Depot. It won’t win his heart because he CAN’T PLAY WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE but still, it’s a start. (hehe, remember that Toys R Us commercial with the kid playing with his raincheck?, “Yay raincheck, I love my raincheck”)

A remote controlled anything Being able to sit on the couch and control a little car, the lights, the TV, the toilet, anything is sooo cool. If you really don’t think RC cars are his thing, try home automation with X10.

ThinkGeek If he’s a techie/geek type of guy, you can’t go wrong with any of the toys here.

A motorcycle He’ll love you forever.

You can get him stuff he needs like underwear or new tires for his car or maybe that fancy pencil sharpener he’d like to ease his carpal tunnel. But if that’s all you get him…oh boy. How would you feel if for your anniversary or your birthday all he got you was a new iron because the other one leaks when you put water in it for the steam action or a new set of hot rollers for your hair? Not very romantic is it? I imagine there’d be some sulking and cold shoulderness. Where you want a well thought-out romantic gift, the guy wants a toy that will excite him and keep him occupied for hours. Otherwise what else is left after the gift unwrapping besides helping you wash the dishes and watching football?

Now of course these are my opinions but I feel I am fairly well qualified to comment on what kinds of gifts that guys like. Wait, lemme check….yup, I have visual confirmation that I’m a guy. Qualified.

So now you’ve got some ideas next time you need to buy a gift for a guy. Try to get away from what you like and take a stroll by the toy department. I’ve never seen a guy get excited over a box of chocolate. Now, I’ll eat it, but I ain’t gonna play with it. But when he rips the wrapping paper off that shiny new Nerf super cannon, watch his eyes light up. I told you, we’re still boys on the inside that want new toys.

I love all you womens (but M the mostest) so I hope you’ll feel more confident buying a gift for your man. If you have any questions about specific gifts, like “I was thinking about giving my guy a big cardboard box full of vintage Star Wars toys that I’ve found, is that a good gift?” just ask in the comments. First, yes, very good gift. Second, STAY OUT OF MY ATTIC!

Life Lesson #32…

…sometimes it is better to be messy than sit on your balls.

It’s true. I share this hard-won life lesson with you, the reader, because I care about you and I don’t want you to have to learn this one the hard way.

I happen to drink a lot of water. It’s good for you, flushes your system out and it makes you have to pee. Alot. I try to curtial my water consumption in the evening so that I will not have to get up during the night to pee. Alas, despite my best intentions, sometimes you just have to get yourself up out of bed and go pee.

I do not turn on the bathroom light because, one, I know where the major obstacles are and the location of the toilet and two, because if I were to turn on the light my pupils would contract inwards so fast, my eyeballs would turn inside out. It’s really hard to pee when your eyeballs are turned inside out. So with the lights out, I stumble to the toilet and the question is: sit or stand?

Honestly, I usually sit because I’m barely awake and I’m afraid that in my half-lidded state I will pee all over the floor. Normally I sit and evacuate my bladder without incident, but here’s where life lesson #32 comes in. Sometimes in the stumbling, dark dead-of-night it is better to piss a bit on the floor than come up short when you go to put your cheeks on the seat. If you come up short there’s a really good chance that instead of feeling the cool plastic seat, you’ll feel something warm and squishy immediately followed by searing pain. At this point, clutching the family jewels, you fall off the toilet all together and end up in a heap on the floor. In the intense pain, your bladder control efforts are re-routed to pain control efforts and there is probably a lot of pee on the floor now (and probably yourself), not to mention the blinding, tear-inducing pain in your groin area.

As the pain subsides several hours later, you get up and turn on the light to see the damage. But you can’t because now your eyeballs are inside out. After waiting 30 or 45 minutes you are able to discern that you need towels, lots of towel and a hot shower. After you clean everything up, you fall exhausted back into bed only to realize you have to get up in 15 minutes for work.

The lesson here, gentlemen, is to keep a small towel handy for the occasional errant shot that hits the rim or even the floor. I mean, there’s not much worse than sitting on your own nuts and subsequently peeing on yourself.