This picture was posted on the busblog yesterday. If you don’t read the busblog, well, you should. It’ll make you laugh, cry, get steaming mad, kiss old people, rub Crisco on your elbows, eat your keyboard and maybe care about other issues than yourself. And then you’ll come back for more. But give it time, like many fine things in life, it can be an acquired taste.

Anyway, what’s the first thing I noticed about the picture? Answer: the stuff under the left thumbnail. That maybe a weird thing to notice but dammit! this is a mystery I’ve been trying to figure out for years. This is not to call into question Tony’s personal hygiene practices because as I look down at my left thumbnail, I see crap under it too! And there’s nothing under any of my other nails.

See, I noticed this trend a long time ago and I have yet to figure out why I get crap under my left thumbnail and only my left thumbnail. I can clean it out and later in the day I look down and ack! it’s back. What am I unconsciously doing that I get an unknown substance under my left thumbnail and not under any of the nine other nails?

First of all, what is this mystery substance? Is it just plain dirt? Quite possibly. Is it dingleberries from my asscrack? I’m pretty sure that I don’t unconsciously scratch or dig in my pooper with my left thumb during the day so that one’s out (but maybe with my right thumb). Is it mashed up ants? Ew. What about pocket lint? Good guess, I’d say. Then there’s always really old banana. Nah. Thumbnail juice? Now I’m just making stuff up.

Ok, I’m not really sure what it is but how does it get there? What is my left thumb doing unbeknownst to me? Does it wander off when I’m not looking and go play outside? I know I get dirty sometimes when I play outside. Is it digging a tunnel to China? Every kid knows that this can be done if you dig a hole deep enough and I’ve always thought of my left thumb as a kid at heart. In its tiny little thumb heart. Maybe it runs off to start revolutionary wars in south american countries. I’ve always suspected that my thumb had Marxist leanings. I mean, it is my left thumb. I’m pretty sure it hung with Che before we met and it became my thumb. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I don’t really know what the answers are but I vow to keep a closer eye on my thumb from now on. You know, for the niños sake.

What’s with the cutesy, not-so-clever subdivision names? AND WHY MUST THEY ALL END IN ‘WOOD?’

Seriously, does anybody know? Tanglewood, Briarwood, Kingwood, Wildwood, etc etc. Maybe it’s just this part of the country, you know, the South. I haven’t really paid attention in other parts of the country to see if they follow this retarded naming convention.

I guess they don’t all end in ‘wood’ but without fail they all have some sort of ‘tard factor. Other popular endings might include such gems as Hills, Acres, Estates or Valley. HA! Pretentious, unimaginative, frou-frou and lame is what I say.

Do these developers really think that the potential buyer might believe the subdivision name reflects a resident wildlife population or flora feature of the land? If they do, they’re going about it all wrong. I mean, why name it Briarwood or Greenbriar? It’s not going to inspire me to buy property there. Hello, like I really want to purchase some property where everyday activities include smearing ridiculous amounts of antibiotic cream on my sweet briar cuts. Or having to dodge bounding deer everytime I back out of my driveway in the classy Leaping Deer Meadow Parkwood subdivision.

See, what they should do it name the subdivision something more enticing. Oh I don’t know…maybe something like Chicken Fried Steak and Macaroni and Cheese…Hills. Heck yeah I’d live somewhere like that. Hills of Mac and Chee. YES.

Food? No? Ok, how about Gin and Tonic, uh, Wood. I think you gotta tack on the Wood or Hills or Meadow because otherwise people would just be too confused. How does T and A Hollow sound? Yeah, you’d live there. You’d frickin buy three lots at the new Bubble Buns neighborhood. But you might skip Quail Willow Crest.

Where would you rather live Mr. Pibb and Cheese-It Estates or Maplewood? Sleeping ’til Noon On Fluffy Pillows With Mom Making Pancakes In The Kitchen Which You Will Eat Right After Having Morning Sex With A Porn Star Of Your Choice Valley or Knollwood Heights? Hmmmm tough decision.

Anyway, I think I’ll get in contact with the developers in my area that are putting in new subdivisions. There’s one going in right now not two miles from where I live. Maybe if I’m not too late I can stop another Oak Hills and have a Good Book and Soft Toilet Paper Creek instead.

Sometimes I feel sorry for baby giraffes because they have such a long way to fall.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

is whisterpoop. It’s a good word and one that you could use in everyday conversation (if you know a lot of idiots and/or annoying people).

What’s it mean? Well, thanks to the fun game of Beyond Balderdash, I’ve learned what it means.

Do you know? No? Ok, well I’ll tell you.

whisterpoop: a swift smack to the side of the head.

How useful is that?

Son, if you don’t quit the back talk and go to your room right now, I’ll whisterpoop you into next week.

or

If you fart in my direction one more time, you’re asking for a whisterpooping.

See, it’s easy to slide into your normal mundane threats. Now with whisterpoop added in, people will start giving you the respect you deserve. Dang, a whisterpoop. I better straighten up and/or quit being an idiot. See?

If you think of some other good ways to use it, leave a comment (or be prepared for a whisterpoop).

Here’s what I want to say to you, the good reader, I mean, if I could only say one thing to you today it would have to be this, definitely this above all else, because I wouldn’t want to waste your time with all the others things I could say, so it boils down to this, and it really is important so listen (read?) closely and slowly and correctly, multiple times if you have to and, you know, that’s the great thing about the written word; if you didn’t really understand something that was written, you can go back and read it as many times as you want to until you totally get it because it’s static, it doesn’t change, it’s there for you to look at whenever you want and at your leisure and I hope you have lots of leisure since leisure is an important aspect of one’s life because you really couldn’t go through life without some amount of leisure time to spend by yourself or maybe with friends and family that live with you or near you or maybe a neighbor that you don’t know too well and he lives next to you or across the street or maybe at some angle but in relative nearness to you that you could go over and ask them if they wanted to play horseshoes and talk about politics or the weather or sports or maybe that bunion on your foot that your mother or spouse or roommate has been trying to get you to go to the doctor to have it looked at but you don’t want to because there was that one time in 5th grade when you might have broken your thumb but the “doctor” looked at the X-ray and said “No, it’s not broken, it’s just sprained or something so you should try and move it around and get some flexibility back into it” and then the “doctor” called back the next day and you had been flexing it in horrible horrible pain but that’s what the “doctor” said to do and you were doing it, and so the “doctor” said that “oops the film was still wet and after looking at the X-ray again after it was dry that your thumb was, in fact, broken and you better not move it much and had better come back in for a splint” but the damage was already done and your thumb has never been the same since and you’ve never really liked going to “doctors” after that because, did they really know what they were talking about anyway? and I really doubt they do since your thumb is now b0rken and you’ll never have that career in professional thumb wrestling that you were training for by doing thumb push-ups and thumb stretches and going to amateur thumb wrestling night at the Pig Pen Sports Bar on Tuesday nights right after you finished with your weekly thumb-only manicure that all the guys made fun of you for but you knew that a good-looking thumb is half the battle in thumb wrestling because it says “Hey my thumb looks really good because I take care of it and I take thumb wrestling seriously” so the competition is already intimidated by your beautifully manicured thumb that only cost $4 at the asian fingernail place where you know they’re talking about you in Vietnamese behind your back and they’re probably making fun of your request for a thumbs-only manicure since you’re not willing to go all out and get the other eight fingers done because that would just be over-the-line.

So anyway, thanks for listening, er, reading and do remember what I said.